Did The Patient Really Say That?

As a paramedic for a number of years I have heard some incredible things come out of the mouths of my patients… These are some of the most ridiculous things that my patients have said… for your amusement…

I was treating a patient a patient with a severe wound infection and this was the conversation that followed:

Paramedic: “Have you ever had Golden Staph?”

Patient: “No, but I have a Golden Retriever” 

I was attending a 16 year old girl in labour. After asking all the normal pre-natal questions regarding previous pregnancies, check ups, family history and any other medical conditions I asked the patient “Do you know what you’re having yet?” She smiles and says “No, but I’m really hoping that they’re twins!”

I attended a 32 year old man with bleeding ears. After some minor inspection of the ears, it appeared obvious that the patient had damaged ear drums. I asked him what had recently happened to cause this. He replied: “Well, I had blocked ears… you see… and so I used a screw driver and a some tissues and tried to clean out my ears by pushing it through my head… you know… like they do in Bugs Bungy!”

While attending a patient who had obviously been deceased for some time I spoke to the relatives who stated that they hadn’t seen the patient for a few days and found him this morning dead. I discussed with them the fact that he appears to have died in his sleep a few days ago… they smile politely and said… “Okay, so how long does the treatment take to work?”